


Untouchable Face

by kittensmctavish



Series: Buzzfeed Soulmates AU [2]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Coffee, Discovery, F/M, Feelings Realization, Gen, I'm Bad At Tagging, Out of Character, Realization, Shirtless, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Unrequited Love, probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-24 01:31:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14345160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittensmctavish/pseuds/kittensmctavish
Summary: You know, I really don't look forward to seeing you again...(Or: the moment your mark turns color/you confirm Ryan is your soulmate.)(Technically a prequel to "You Sucked My Brain Out".)





	Untouchable Face

**Author's Note:**

> man, this took a while. kinda hit the strugglebus in places with this one.
> 
> again, more ani difranco lyrics. because she writes the relatable things.

It happens while filming a Postmortem.

It’s not the first episode you’ve helped film, but Postmortem WAS the first THING you ever helped film. How you met Ryan and Shane and TJ. And it was sort of your bag ever since, Postmortem, because it helped ease you into the videomaking process.

It’s mostly like any other episode of Postmortem. Ryan opens things up, Shane makes his disassociate-y face, questions are answered, banter is made. The Hotdaga begins, Shane giving his strange story his all, Ryan making faces at the camera. (Actually, making faces at you, because you’re pulling faces from behind the camera to make the Hotdaga slightly more tolerable for him. You started doing this a couple of episodes ago, and the two of you have done this ever since. It’s a silent conversation you share. “Can you believe the bullshit that comes out of his mouth?” “I know, right?”)

But…they have new merchandise to push. So they snap to indicate that there’ll be a smash cut to a new shot of them in the new shirts. Camera cuts shortly after the snap so the boys can get the new shirts and put them on.

You figure the two of them are gonna leave the room, change in private, them come back to shoot. So you turn towards TJ, who’s going over some logistics, asking if you have any questions, pointing some new things out.

And then, out of the corner of your eye, a flash of skin. You turn your head and–

“WHOA.”

A considerable expanse of bare tan skin as Ryan tosses his shirt towards…somewhere off camera…and reaches for the new Buzzfeed Unsolved shirt. (Shane is also shucking his shirt in the background.)

You turn your head away quickly enough and raise one hand to your eyes, shielding them.

You’re not a prude, by any means. It’s more like…you’re trying to shield yourself from the truth. A metaphorical shielding.

Because your eyes had gone right for Ryan’s hip. At the glimpse of the soul mark of a ghost peeking up from the band of his shorts. And there’s a sensation in your ankle you desperately hope against hope isn’t (but have a sinking feeling that it is) your soul mark changing colors.

“Guys, come on,” TJ scolds, gesturing towards you. “There is a lady present.”

“You know what, I’ll just…” You stand up and point towards the door. ‘Until you guys are done.”

“You know, new girl,” Shane says, casually shirtless, playing with the shirt in his hands, “a lot of people on the internet would kill to be in your shoes right now.”

“Shane, cut it out,” Ryan says, quickly pulling on his own shirt and giving you an apologetic look. “You don’t have to—”

“No, really, I need to…” You hold your phone up. “My sister texted, something urgent, I’ll be right back.”

If Ryan and TJ are saying anything to you, you don’t catch it.

You make a beeline for the bathroom, tuck yourself into the furthest corner of the handicapped stall, yank your shoe off, tug down your sock…

…and even though you’re already on the floor, you feel like you’re sinking further down.

Red with gold.

…you’d had a feeling. You’d dreaded it.

It wasn’t like you’d never seen Ryan’s mark. Fuck, you’d watched the Test Friends videos when those were a thing, and Ryan certainly had been shirtless in a number of them. But marks don’t turn color from seeing them on a screen. It’s in person you have to see it for the change to take place.

And besides…you two couldn’t be the only ones in the world to have ghosts for soul marks. Maybe, you’d thought in the past, when you’d first started at Buzzfeed, it wouldn’t be him. And your soulmate was somewhere else in the world. That there was someone else with a ghost that was meant for you, and same for Ryan.

Wishful fucking thinking on your part. Maybe a bit of deluding yourself that the outcome was going to be anything but this.

Because this…this sucks. Having a soulmate who’s already in a relationship sucks.

It was a common fear. Had always been a fear of yours.

Because it’s…tricky.

On one hand…yes, fate literally made you two for each other. And romantic soulmates who discover their bond fall together so easily, like they’ve known each other for hundreds of years.

But on the other hand…Ryan has been with Helen for years. Known her much longer than you. And they’re so in love and so happy together. (Not to mention that Helen’s an absolute stunner. She’s GORGEOUS. And you are…nowhere near her level.)

And in the one time Ryan was pressed to answer a question on if his soulmate comes along and his ghost turns red, his simple answer was “If I meet them, I meet them, if I don’t, I don’t”. No indicator that he was in any hurry to find them. No eagerness. Just…a shrug. Leave it up to fate.

So it’s tricky. Do you tear apart a relationship because a mark dictates this is not how things were supposed to be? Decimate the happiness of two people with such a revelation?

You tilt your head back, whimpering a little as it thuds painfully against the tile wall. Your head hurts. Your heart hurts. Everything spins slightly.

You’d heard descriptions of the rush of love someone feels for their soulmate upon their mark turning red but you had no idea just how it would feel.

Like…right at the sight of the color of your mark, boom, the feelings came. The love for Ryan was there.

It wasn’t that “slowly then all at once” John Green bullshit. It wasn’t slow pining in all the fanfics you’d read in the world.

It was Martin Balsam falling down the stairs in “Psycho”, like the feelings had pushed you with all their might until you and your heart lay in a crumple broken heap on the floor below.

This was falling hard and fast in the worst possible way, painful and hopeless.

It left you dizzy and breathless and nauseated because GODDAMN IT.

You place your sock and shoe back in order, shakily push yourself back up on to your feet. Take in a deep breath, shudder it out, wipe away the few tears that loosed themselves.

Steel yourself to act like a fucking normal human being around him now. Like nothing had changed. That you’re just two coworkers with a friendship that’s just finding its feet and has the potential to be a really good thing and FUCK FATE AND SOULS AND MARKS for now making this so So SO much harder.

Everyone in the office is too caught up in editing or computering or filming other videos to notice you or your distressed state, so you’re back in the room for Postmortem without interruption.

Ryan and Shane are both in new merch shirts and sitting at their table when you enter, TJ at the camera equipment. Almost at once, Ryan’s on his feet.

“Sorry again about earlier,” he’s saying as he walks over to you. “If that made you uncomfortable—”

“It’s okay, really,” you say, trying to manage a smile, inwardly cursing the hoarseness of your voice. “It’s not like I’ve never seen someone shirtless before, it was just…unexpected.”

“You sure?” He’s not convinced. He moves slightly closer to you to get a better look at you, and you take a small step back. “Everything okay? I don’t mean to be mean or anything, it just looks like you’ve been…”

(Crying? Yeah. You have been, a little. Fuck your life.)

“I’m FINE.” Too insistent. He’s not buying it.

 “What’d your sister want?” Shane asks, peering around the camera equipment to look at you. “You said something about an urgent text from your sister.”

“Quite honestly, it’s none of your FUCKING business.”

Harsh. Abrupt. Leaving your mouth before you can stop it. And Ryan’s little blink of surprise coupled with Shane shutting his mouth and looking down at the desk just makes you feel worse.

“I’m sorry.” You stare at a wall, in their directions but not at them. “I just…really don’t want to talk about it.”

“Hey, if it’s serious and you need to head out—” TJ begins to say, but you brush away his words as though swatting at a fly.

“No, no, we’re almost done, let’s just…do this,” you insist, settling at your post. “I need the distraction.” All three of them are exchanging looks. “It’s just the merch promo to do. I’m good to work.”

Merch is filmed. It takes not even ten minutes. Any banter feels the slightest bit forced, but it’s really only noticeable to the four of you in the room; you don’t think a fan watching the video will pick up on it.

(Or maybe you just feel like it’s forced because of you, because you’re sort of paranoid like that. That you ruin everything.) (Videos. Group dynamics. Friendships. Relationships.)

“Okay, that’s good,” TJ finally says. “Think we’re done.”

“TJ, did you need me for anything right now?” you ask, standing up.

“Um…not immediately?” he says.

“Cool. They can change their shirts in here. I’ll leave,” you say, moving towards the door. Ryan says your name, but you gesture in his general direction. “No, no, it’s okay, I don’t mind.” And again, before anyone can say anything further, you leave.

You leave the building.

You need to walk for a bit. Clear your head. Process the entirety of the last hour or so.

Your mark. Ryan.

How abominably shitty your behavior had been towards Shane and TJ while you’re still reeling.

…there’s a Starbucks within walking distance.

You stop in and make an order.

Ten minutes later, you’re approaching Shane and Ryan’s desks. Only Shane is present at the moment, facing his screen, headphones around his neck. You stop a few feet away from him and clear your throat. He looks up and, upon seeing it’s you, stands.

“I bring a peace offering,” you say, holding up the cardboard cup carrier laden with three identical cups. “…they’re all exactly the same, plain black dark roast, I don’t know how you take your coffee or if you even like dark roast or if you’d rather have tea, if you’d RATHER have tea, I can go back and get that but—”

“Coffee is fine,” Shane interrupts, taking one of the cups. You nod. “You didn’t have to—”

“No, I really did.” You wince. “Sorry, I gotta stop doing that…like, cutting people off and shit.” You look down at your feet swallowing back frustration with yourself. “I…kinda got some shitty news and I’m not handling it well but that doesn’t give me an excuse to make everyone else feel like shit too and I did and it made me feel worse and now I’m trying to fix that with coffee. So…”

You let the sentence peter out, giving a little shrug as you do.

“I’m sorry about earlier,” Shane says, his thumb running across the ridge of the cardboard sleeve around the coffee cup. “For…like, the shirtlessness and the teasing in regards to the shirtlessness…but also for prying when you didn’t want me to…I mean, you’re absolutely right. Quite honestly, it IS none of my fucking business, so I can just shut up now and enjoy this delicious coffee.” Shane brings the coffee cup to his mouth and takes a sip, smiling as he lowers the cup. “Just burned my tongue – didn’t let that cool enough.” A snort of laughter escapes you as he takes another sip. “Yeah, that one wasn’t any better. If anything, that made it worse.”

“Oh god, stop,” you laugh, adjusting your hold on the cup carrier with the other two coffees. The laughter and smile fade. “You were just trying to be nice,” you finally say. “I didn’t handle that well. And what I said wasn’t fair to you.”

“Well…trying to be nice…trying to be a friend…” He shrugs. “I mean, you’re part of the Unsolved team now, I’d like to think we’re all friends.” You nod. “I won’t push. But…if you do need to talk to someone about anything…like…I’m good at listening.” You nod again. “Or Sara. I may be a TEENSY bit biased, but Sara’s the BEST listener. And she also gives the best hugs.”

“Duly noted,” you say.

“…so, Ryan SHOULD have been back here by now, don’t know what happened to him,” Shane says, looking around. “Might be looking for you…he still feels bad about earlier, too.” Shane’s eyes go wide. “Maybe he’s buying YOU apology coffee.”

The idea is so sudden, unexpected, and implausible, you can’t help but laugh.

“Joke’s on Ryan, then, I hate coffee.” It’s Shane’s turn to laugh. “I’ll go find TJ then and stop by later. When the coffee’s cooled down.”

“Come on, it’s fine the way it is,” Shane says, taking another long gulp, trying to mask the ensuing wince.

“Shane, just let it cool,” you scold gently.

“It’s fine…I honestly don’t even feel it anymore.”

“That’s probably not a good thing.”

“Yeah, probably not.”

“All right, I’ll leave you to your slightly masochistic tendencies.”

But before you can do so, your name and Shane’s name are called out. In a distinctly Ryan-y voice.

You turn to see Ryan approaching, a paper bag in one hand, a hand in his other hand.

That hand is attached to an arm, which is attached to…

“Helen!” Shane says happily.

You’ve only ever seen her in pictures. She’s nowhere near as pretty as pictures have made her out to be.

She’s even prettier.

Her hair’s swept over one shoulder and her smile is bright and warm and she’s wearing a skirt-and-boots combo that makes her legs look longer than Shane’s and just…

…you feel like an unwashed potato next to her.

You’re so caught up in just how stunning she is and the way Ryan looks over at her (with all the love in his heart and doesn’t that just throw a rock at your own heart and shatter it a little) that you’re not fully registering that Ryan is INTRODUCING you to Helen.

“…joined us a few weeks ago.”

You catch enough to shift the cup carrier to one hand to you can reach out and shake Helen’s hand.

“Nice to meet you,” you say, voice tight in your throat.

“Nice to meet you,” Helen says. “Ryan’s mentioned you…or the new person with ‘Unsolved’, anyway. It’s good to put a face to the name.” You desperately hope your attempt to smile doesn’t come off as a grimace.

“What brings you by the office?” Shane asks.

“Helen surprised us with Chipotle for lunch!” Ryan says, holding the bag up.

“Aw, that’s nice! What for?”

“Because she’s the actual best.”

“Ryan, come on,” Helen murmurs, looking down.

“What? It’s true.” Ryan presses a kiss to her cheek, and she lets out a little huff of laughter as he repeats the gesture, and ohp, another little rock crashes through your heart. They’re just…they fit. A perfect pair.

“I’ll share some of my chips with you,” Shane says, nudging your elbow lightly. “And guac…if there’s guac.”

“There’s guac.”

“And guac.”

“That’s okay, Shane, I’m not really hungry,” you say. (It’s true. You’re not. Honestly, it feels like there are rocks in your stomach.)

“Hey, who brought coffee?” Ryan seems to have only just noticed the cup carrier in your hands.

“She did,” Shane says, nodding towards you. “It’s a peace offering for us.” Shane drains the last of his cup and sets it on his desk.

“Did that ever cool?” you ask.

“Nope.” Shane’s voice is a little choked, and his eyes are watering the slightest bit. No less than he deserves.

“You didn’t have to bring coffee,” Ryan begins to say.

“No, I did.”

“You guys didn’t make her your coffee slave or anything, did you?” Helen asks.

“Nah, nothing like that,” you say. “I kinda yelled at these guys during filming and felt really shitty about it so I bought coffee to make up for it.”

“To be fair…we deserved it,” Ryan says at Helen’s questioning look. “We…kinda forgot there was a woman in the room when we changed our shirts for filming.”

“I nearly blinded her with my torso,” Shane interjects. “I’m a very pale man.” Ryan snorts.

“That wasn’t the reason and both of you know it.”

“…you mean the—?”

“Yes, I mean the.”

A small awkward silence falls.

“Did something happen?” Helen asks. You look at her.

She’s known you for all of three minutes and she’s looking at you with all the concern in the world. And you kind of want to hate her. You REALLY want to hate her. And you can’t.

“Sorry, it’s none of my business,” Helen says with a little embarrassed smile. “You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to—”

“It’s fine,” you say, holding a hand up to halt her words. “I just…”

You want to lie. Make something up. But…nah, just keep being vague.

“I got some shitty news earlier and it still hasn’t completely sunk in. And…” You gesture at Ryan and Shane. “They were just concerned about my wellbeing and shit and trying to be good coworkers and friends and I kinda…snapped at them because I was still reeling from the shock.”

(Still are, you think as you rub your ankle with your foot.)

“But me not being able to deal with something is no excuse to take it out on other people, which is what I did and shouldn’t have done, and I feel bad, so I went out and bought them coffee to say sorry for being a mega-bitch…so…” You hold the cup carrier towards Ryan. “Sorry I was a mega-bitch.”

“You weren’t being a…” Ryan begins to speak, but stops himself at the slur.

“A mega-bitch?” you offer.

“That, yes. No. You weren’t. Aren’t.”

(He’s so flustered at the notion of calling a woman a bitch because he NEVER would because he’s just too good for that, the wonderful fucker.)

“And I still don’t think you have anything to apologize for,” Ryan says.

“Just take the damn coffee, please, Ryan,” you say again, voice trembling a little, same as your hands. There’s a pressure of sorts from Ryan’s hands gripping the cup carrier, and you let it slip away.

“Are you okay?” Helen’s the one who asks. Again, despite having just met you, she’s genuinely concerned. It’s impossible to hate her. Impossible to fathom tearing her away from Ryan, tearing apart her happiness because of a fucking soul mark. She’s too sweet for that.

“I think TJ was right, I think I need to head out early,” you manage to say. “I’m sorry.” You can’t look any of them in the eye. If you do, you may burst into tears.

“Hey, your well-being comes first,” Shane says. “Physical, emotional, whatever. We got your back.”

“Thanks.”

“Is there anything we can do?” Ryan asks.

 “No,” you say. “Just make sure TJ gets a coffee. And apologize to him on behalf of me. For the mega-bitch thing and the having-to-leave-early thing.”

“…do you need a hug?” Ryan asks.

(From him? Yes. Always. Forever.)

“Nope,” you say, stepping away from his step closer. “That’s just gonna make me burst into tears and I really don’t wanna cry in front of you guys.”

“We’re not gonna judge. I mean, Ryan’s lost his shit in front of the internet over flashlights so…”

And goddamn it, Shane, that gets a laugh out of you. But you’re still so…high emotionally that it threatens to become a sob.

“Okay, I’m out. Helen, it was nice to meet you. I wish it had been under better circumstances.”

“I hope you feel better soon,” Helen says. “Whatever’s going on…it’ll all turn out fine.” You glance up at her sweet smile.

It’s not going to be, Helen. It never will be.

“Text one of us later?” Ryan asks. “Me or Shane. Just so we know you’re okay.” You nod again. “If you need anything at all…”

(Everything in your body and heart cries out for him. Anything. Everything. Yes.)

He’s just…so good…such a good person…you couldn’t have asked for a nicer soulmate, you think…

…you blink. A tear falls from your eyes, drops down on your cheek. You quickly brush it away and choke out a “thanks” before you start walking away. Fast.

Fast enough to pretend enough not to have heard Ryan and Shane saying your name in concern. Fast enough to get out of the building before any more tears can fall in front of people.

Thing is, you don’t break down as soon as you get into your car. A few more tears come loose, trail down your face as you search for music.

It’s only when a certain Ani DiFranco song comes on that you have to pull into a parking lot, fold your arms across the steering wheel, and sob.

***

Think I'm going for a walk now  
I feel a little unsteady  
I don't want no one to follow me  
Except maybe you

I could make you happy, you know  
If you weren't already  
I could do a lot of things  
And I do

Tell you the truth I prefer the worst of you  
Too bad you had to have a better half  
She's not really my type  
But I think you two are forever  
And I hate to say it, but you're perfect together

So fuck you  
And your untouchable face  
Fuck you  
For existing in the first place  
And who am I?  
That I should be vying for your touch  
I said who am I?  
I bet you can't even tell me that much

—Untouchable Face, Ani DiFranco 

**Author's Note:**

> feedback welcome and appreciated.
> 
> (i've actually got ideas for this AU that AREN'T depressing as fuck. but mostly i've got angsty ones.)


End file.
